This post actually came about because of a news report this morning about another online predator being arrested after broadcasting a live web feed of him abusing a child.  It sickens me that this is so rampant in our society today and it just reminds me that I need to continuously teach my children how to protect themselves. 

Today’s post isn’t about protecting against online predators, I will cover that on another day, but is about protecting your children from predators in general.  It is a statistical fact that 85% of children know their abuser and many predators use this as a means to coerce or threaten the child. 

I have listed some ways to protect your children and your family.

• Open communication: This has to start before you even get into talking to your child about predators and staying safe.  It is more of a way to live than an actual step to follow since having open communication in your family will foster the knowledge that your child can talk to you about everything and anything.  When they get a bit older, you need to reaffirm this open communication by stressing that if someone does something to them,  they should tell you and you won’t get mad at them. 
• Explaining bad touch:  This is important and my kids understand that no one is allowed to touch their genital area or other private places.  I did explain to them that in some cases doctors will need to touch those places for medical reasons but they would never do it if myself or my husband was not there.  My kids also have areas that are not allowed to be touched because they choose it.  For my oldest, he hates having his elbow being touched.  This to him is a “bad” touch, much like my stomach is a bad touch for me (I absolutely hate having my stomach touched, which was lovely when I was pregnant), and he has the right to say, “Don’t touch my elbow.”  Allowing your child to choose other places on his body that he doesn’t like being touched, even if it is a specific fingernail, helps him identify with the fact that this is his body and he has a right to tell someone not to touch it. 
• Teaching about good touch:  It is important to teach about good touch as well.  A pat on the back, a handshake, even a hug are considered to be good touching.  You also need to point out that good touch with family, say a hug, might be considered bad touch, especially by a stranger.  The best thing is to explain that if the good touch doesn’t feel good when it happens, then it has moved from being a good touch to a bad touch and he should say, “Stop, I don’t want you to touch me.”
• Knowing proper names:  The years spent in childcare has left me shuddering at the names some parents have given their children for their genitalia.  I have heard the usual; peepee, peetail, and then I have heard some pretty awful ones such as birdie, hotdog or taco.  There is absolutely no reason why a child should not know the proper term for their anatomy.  I know that it is hard to say the words to a child but it protects them and gives them the proper speech if they need to report something.  There is a story of a little girl who told a teacher about abuse that was happening in her room each day.  She had no word for vagina (vulva) except birdie. The teacher did not comprehend right away what the little girl was telling her and started asking her if her birdie had a name and other questions about birds.  I’m not sure of the validity of this story but the message is very clear, without proper language and terms, confusion can destroy any effort a child has put into seeking help.
• Be there for your children:  This is the most important of all the steps, just be there for your child. Be active and knowledgeable about his or her life.  Help out in the clubs she is in such as sports or brownies or anything else.  Know not only the children in your kid’s life but also know the parents of those children.  Be present and accounted for and your child will go to you if she needs help.
• Don’t focus only on stranger-dangers:  Remember that although strangers do pose a risk, it is people the child knows who can pose more of a risk.  85% of children know their abusers.  This means that when you are teaching good touch/bad touch, you should explain that if anyone, even someone they know, touches them in a bad way then they need to tell you.
• Saying No:  Since I mentioned language, a good word for your child to learn is “No.”  It needs to be said strongly and they should leave right away when they say it.  Another point to make is to teach your child to say, “These are not my parents” if someone grabs her from a public place.  Cries for help rarely get noticed and most people think it is a temper tantrum being dealt with.  If a child yells, “These are not my parents, they’re trying to take me,” it is more likely to get attention and, hopefully, aid.

There are many other ways to protect your children and although I would love to go through them all, this has become a very heavy post and I don’t want to overwhelm you with too much more.  I would like to sign off by giving this link to an excellent book that helps teach children from Kindergarten to age 8 what good touch and bad touch are. 

I would also like to direct you to this website, which is full of resources and information for parents on teaching safety to their children. 

Sirena Van Schaik

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That question usually comes around the age of four or five, sometimes earlier, sometimes later.  I know for me, my oldest did not ask it when I was pregnant with my second child – when I was all prepared to answer it - and it wasn’t until my dog Petey was at a breeding facility that the question arose.  (In case you are wondering, Petey, a purebred Labrador Retriever, was donated to National Service Dogs breeding program.  He produced seven beautiful puppies (before coming home to us) who went on to work as guide dogs for children with Autism.)  My heart gave a little jump at the thought of answering the question but I plowed ahead, editing out some parts and obscuring others but basically giving the general idea of how a puppy was conceived.  I kept it very age appropriate and the wonderful thing about children is that they will give cues as to what is too much information and what isn’t.

Most parents feel relief when they finally answer that question and often believe that they do not have to deal with any more questions about conception or for that matter, sex.  Unfortunately, there will be a time when every parent needs to have ”the talk” and with popular culture being what it is, they won’t be able to get away with the whole birds and bees and the wonderful storks story.

It is hard to believe but in many places, the age of consent can be as low as 14.  That means that when a child, and I truly believe they are still children at that age, is 14, he or she can give the consent to have intercourse.  This is always shocking since our country does not believe that a child is responsible enough to make the decision to vote until they are 18 and are not responsible enough to drink until they are 19 (parts of Canada) or older but our legal system believes they are responsible enough to make an informed decision about sex.

This being said, it is very important for all parents to start having “the talk” in unstructured ways when their child is young.  This means that you answer questions in age appropriate ways whenever your child brooches the subject.  As they mature, they will understand that you are open to these dialogues and will seek out your advice much more than they seek out their peers or society when it comes to sex questions.

Another tip is to be completely open about the risks involved in intercourse.  Giving children all the tools to properly protect themselves is the best way to ensure the safety of your teens when and if they become sexually active.  If they are aware of STD’s, teen pregnancy and the ways to protect themselves then they are more likely to use protection. 

One problem that many parents face is the fact that they do not want to discuss birth control and STD prevention with their daughter(s).  Many girls are often pressured into believing that if they don’t have sex without a condom, they won’t be liked by the boy they are contemplating intercourse with.  Anther belief that many girls have is that birth control, besides the pill, is the responsibility of the boy and  if they are the ones providing the condoms, they will be looked down on.  It is very important to teach your daughter that she is responsible for her own safety and any boy that will not have intercourse with her simply because she is simply protecting herself from an STD is not worth her time.

Of course, we all hope that our children will never, ever, ever have intercourse and that all our grandchildren will actually be miracle baby’s but the logical side of us knows that that just isn’t going to happen.  Starting out on the right foot by having open discussions with your child throughout his or her life and also having more in-depth conversations with them when they reach their teen years, will help your child make the best decision regarding his or her own sex life.  It is scary and they are conversations that we wish we never have to make but don’t worry, you will get through it and your child will have the best possible start when they begin the gradual shift into adulthood.

All the best and if you would like any more advice, I would strongly recommend this article: Talking Sex with Teens.

Sirena

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