My family and I just spent this last weekend at the Royal Botanical Gardens. It was a beautiful day with the sun shining, a few cumulus clouds here and there and a slight breeze that cut down on the heat of the day. The flowers just added to the enjoyment and with the long pathways, wide open spaces and hidden forest gardens, my boys were able to enjoy it as well.

This isn’t to say that they were thrilled when I suggested the trip. “Ewww, flowers. That’s for girls,” they groaned and I saw two chins jutting out in defiance when I said, “Tough, we’re going to do something that I want to do for a change.”

When they got there, both were amazed. First, they were able to see a little informative clip on a tree that was found that can be traced back to the age of the dinosaurs. This tree is only found in one remote area in Australia, which is such a closely guarded secret that everyone who goes to the valley is blindfolded to protect it. Second, there was so much to see, so many places to run, and the rock garden provide so many paths to scramble up that it quickly became a favorite garden.

I was able to enjoy a more feminine outing, trust me, those are few and far between, while we hiked, yep couldn’t avoid that, and I gathered ideas for my own garden.

We packed a picnic lunch and ate it in a garden terrace filled with tons of greenery. That is one thing that I always stress for keeping costs down, don’t buy your food at the tourist spot. Pack a lunch or pick up a meal when you leave. The price of food can often drive up the cost of any trip when you buy it at the location.

At one point, my three year old shouted, “Look mamma, (my children call me mamma, despite the fact that I never use the word) this garden has a hibiscus.” To my surprise, he was right and we laughed at how well he could point out many of the plants around us.

When it comes to the overall expense of a trip, gardens rarely cost the exorbitant fees that other tourist attractions charge. For a day trip, with access to 4 gardens and a free shuttle between each one, we spent a total of 25 dollars for 4 people. So if you are looking for a nice way to spend a family outing, I would strongly suggest visiting a garden center.

You might be surprised at how many memories you can gain from the trip and as my husband, who used to make a yearly trip to the Royal Botanical Gardens as a kid, said, “This brings back some great memories.”

Sirena Van Schaik

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We have been sponsors now since February of this year and although we haven’t really received anything from being foster parents, it has been a great experience for both myself and my kids.  We have sent a letter to our sponsored child, and we are carefully putting together a care package to send him over the next couple of months.  Other than that, nothing really has come together with being a foster parent.

Today, though, we received a wonderful letter from our sponsor child’s mother.  It was written in the middle of March and we only received it now.  I’m thinking that maybe our child hasn’t even received our first letter since it seems to take a long time. 

The letter was short, to the point and expressed her thanks at having us sponsor her son.  It was a heartfelt letter and the kids and I read it.  They were both very excited about having a letter from her and are looking forward to receiving more correspondence from Kenya.  I think part of the reason for their excitement has to do with the place that the letters are coming from but the other reason is that they have a voice to put to the help that they are giving. 

That brings me again to teaching family values to your children.  It is never too late to do so and teaching children how they can help, even if it is just one child in a country they may never see, will go a long way to starting a life long cycle of giving.

Sirena Van Schaik

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But back to our topic on teaching morals and family values.  If you remember, I started this topic with my post here and I also talked about things a parent can do, here.  Now let’s talk about what you can do with your child.

• Try not to focus on material gain or feeding egocentricity.  I was guilty of this when my oldest started JK and it was really the result of my own fears that he might be picked on or bullied.  At the beginning of his first year, I was constantly told how empathetic my son was and how he would often take children who were having a hard time adjusting under his wing.  I heard wonderful comments like, “If it wasn’t for Jake (my son), the first few month’s of Timmy’s school year would have been horrible.” (I have changed the names of both children for privacy reasons.)  After a while, I forgot about reaffirming his compassionate nature and began worrying about how popular he was. If a child in his class had the latest and greatest toy, I would run out and make sure that my son had the same toy.  When he came home from school, I often centralized my questions about his day around extrinsic influences and things that he got and I began to focus less on the values I had already set in place. Fast forward a year and I had a child that primarily cared about feeding his own needs without thinking of others.  I had to do some major damage control and change the way that I approached things.  I can’t really blame him for much of the problems since I was illustrating to him that it was more important to have than to give but after some rough patches, we have begun to see some of his natural compassion again.  The thing to remember in this is that children are egocentric creatures and for a period of time, and that is perfectly okay, but parents need to explain and illustrate times when that egocentricity is not okay.  So the lesson on this is “Don’t focus on what your child doesn’t have, but focus on the less concrete items, such as the love and friendships that he or she does have. 
• Donate items from your home to Goodwill or another cause.  I don’t have garage sales and this is partly to do with the fact that I’m just not a big fan but the main reason why I don’t have garage sales is that the money that I can make from a garage sale can be better used by places like Goodwill or the Salvation army.  When you donate to these places, it is best to have your child take one or two toys (or more if they are drowning in toys) and place them into a bin to take down to the drop box.  Make sure you give some of your items away so your child doesn’t feel this is a one sided deal that they are the only ones that has to suffer through the giving.  Things like old furniture, shoes, and clothing are great choices and I’m sure you have lots of all three that you don’t use anymore.  I like to go through the items in January right after they have received a whole bunch of new toys over the holidays.  This way, they are more likely to give up an older unused toy since they have to make room anyways.  Other times that I do this are in the spring and fall and usually coincide with my big spring and fall clean up to remove clutter.
• Volunteer with your child.  When I was a Cub Scout leader, another leader in my group also volunteered their time at the local soup kitchen on a weekly basis.  Although her 13 year old son wasn’t involved every week with her, he did come down once a month where he would help serve the food.  For them, volunteering served many purposes but the main thread of reasoning was that he learned through example that giving one’s time for those less fortunate is a great thing to do and he also became aware of people that needed help and how he could affect them for the better.
• Sponsor a child or a cause.  This is something that I do personally with my family and my oldest son takes the time to send letters to the child in Kenya that we sponsor.  It doesn’t seem like much but it has opened up a lot of awareness in my children on how there are those that are much less fortunate than we are.  Being able to converse through letters brings the message home and it has had a lot more affect than simply dropping items off at a drop box.  There is a face that goes along with the giving and a voice that can be heard through the letters.  Take the time and talk to your child about what they want to sponsor.  This is a great way to teach morals, family values and also provides opportunity to learn about the world together.  My oldest wanted to learn everything about all the countries that needed help before we decided as a family on Kenya.  So change not only one life but your families as well by sponsoring a child or a cause. 
• Give a gift at Christmas.  Even if you don’t celebrate Christmas, there is nothing wrong with giving a gift to a toy drive during the season.  If you do celebrate, I would encourage not only giving a gift of your own but also having your child go out and purchase a gift to give (with their own allowance).  My oldest son chaffed at this the first year but my youngest only grumbles about how he doesn’t have enough money to buy more.  Have your child drop it off at the toy drive so he or she can be part of the whole process.
• Have open dialogue.  Nothing helps build values better than having an open dialogue with your child.  Answer their questions, share your own views on morals and values and let there be give and take conversations.  All the steps above offer ample opportunities for open dialogues.
• Finally, don’t stress if your child doesn’t always follow the morals and values that you have so diligently worked on instilling.  It takes time and everyone makes mistakes, I know I do, so don’t expect your child to grasp all the values perfectly and don’t beat yourself up when they do.

If you have anymore tips on instilling family values, please feel free to comment.

Sirena

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I guess I should say that I was actually ranting but you’ll forgive me my flaws.  I am after all human and as both a human and a parent I am allowed my foibles.  Actually, parents are allowed to have many flaws and teaching children that we are as flawed as the next person is a great way to build family values.  The whole, “If I’m not perfect, then you don’t have to be either.”

On the topic of those little eyes that are watching every mistake we make, parents should be aware of what their children are picking up.  I could spout Piaget or Erikson but there are enough articles stating the psychological ramifications of parents’ actions.  We know that children learn through observation.  They watch, listen and touch to figure out the world around them and their place in it and they learn through the actions of their parents, regardless of what is said. 

The old adage, “Do what I say and not as I do,” was never good advice and it still isn’t.  So let’s look at some things you can do.

• Pull out the old lessons about manners and use them.  You remember those things your mother (or father) used to bark at you like a deranged drill sergeant. “Chew with your mouth closed,” “Elbows off the table,” “Show respect for your elders.”  I’m sure that you bark those same lessons about everyday manners to your own children but without using them yourself, you success at teaching your children will be pretty low.
• Show compassion for others.  This can be done a number of ways and can really start at home with how you interact with your family and the respect and caring you give your spouse and your children. It can also start with simple things like helping out a friend in need or smiling at a stranger in the grocery store.  You could also give change to someone needing it or opening a door for someone.  Anything that shows that you are thinking about the needs of others and that you care enough to commit small acts of kindness.  One note, however; is that you need to explain to your child that talking to strangers is dangerous and he or she should never talk to a stranger without your express permission or without you standing there.
• Donate.  Whether it’s your time or your money, donating will provide opportunities for you to demonstrate selflessness.  This is an excellent way to build empathy and to bond with your child when you include him or her, but more on that tomorrow.
• Key down the road rage…or any rage for that matter.  I know that it can be hard, especially when you spend 20 minutes with some guy tailgaiting you only to have him pass and then cut you off.  Giving into road rage sets an example for your children that it is okay to react with rage.  If I had reacted to the woman with the shopping cart, see What are we teaching our kids?, by throwing my arms up and yelling, “You idiot! Why the heck don’t you watch where you are going?”  I would have taught my children that you can be abusive and disrespectful to others.  If there is no respect for others then you can’t expect empathy or compassion.

These are only a few tips and I will have more on what you can do with your child to build family values but until then; what tips do you have?

Sirena

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