“There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children.

One of these is roots – the other wings.”

-Hodding Carter (1907-1972)

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I was somewhat mystified about that comment and I had no idea why my ability to clean a bathroom was the clincher to me being a “great little wife.”  I think that was the day that I believed my siblings and I were given too many chores and I swore that I would never do the same with my kids.

Fast forward 25 years and I am now a parent of a 3 and 6 year old.  Neither of them have to do any chores, expect keep their toys tidied up and put their laundry in the hamper.  That is it, although at times that can seem like a huge task in itself. 

I tidy their rooms, make their beds and do the majority of chores around the house.  It is, after all, the essense of what makes a woman a “great little wife.”  Isn’t it?  I never really felt that the kids needed to have chores and I certainly didn’t want to drag my 3 year old into the bathroom and teach him the fine art of toilet scrubbing.

Lately, though, I have found that the kids, more important my oldest, need to have a few more chores to really understand the theory behind working for your money. His allowance is very low, but he gets it for only keeping his toys picked up, a task that shouldn’t involve pay. 

So last night during dinner, I said to him jokingly, “I think you should do the dishes tonight.”

His face brightened and a large smile filled his face as he said, “Really, ok.”

My husband looked a little nervous and argued the fact that maybe his son couldn’t wash the dishes since he was only 6, almost 7, but he quickly relented.

I have to say that with only a few tips, my son quickly grasped the concept of washing the dishes and I was there to help him finish them off.  He was beaming with a sense of accomplishment by the end of it and we discussed a few chores that he could do every week to earn extra money.

This experience has led me to believe that yes, children should do chores because it teaches them responsibility and it also allows them to be a contributing member of the family.  They gain knowledge on how to take care of themselves and their home, have the opportunity to bond when they are learning how to do something new and gain self confidence and self esteem when they have finished something successful.

I was completely surprised, given my own feelings about chores, but this was an instance when my child has taught me something and that maybe my parents weren’t in it for the slave labor. Of course, after plucking 200 chickens one weekend when I was 5, I still have my doubts.

So what about you?  Do you think children should have chores?

Sirena Van Schaik

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For the Older Kids

What you will need:

• Borax Laundry Detergent
• Water
• Elmer’s Glue
• Sandwich Bag
• Food Coloring

What you need to do:

1. Take 1/8th of a cup of borax laundry detergent and dissolve it into a half litre of warm water.
2. Once it is dissolved, set it aside and allow it to cool.
3. Take a separate cup and add 2 tablespoons of Elmer’s glue in it.
4. Stir in 3 tablespoons of water and mix thoroughly.
5. Add food coloring.  Green is the best choice for snot but you can mix it up for alien or ghost goo. (hmm, I think that is the official term for it). Stir until you have the desired color.
6. Pour in one tablespoon of the borax solution that you made.
7. Mix thoroughly.

And there you have some really gross snot.  Enjoy

For the younger kids

What you need:

• clear corn syrup
• water
• clear gelatin powder
• food coloring

What you need to do:

1. Heat a half cup of water until it is boiling hot (this is important for parents to do.)
2. Add in three packages of clear gelatin and food coloring
3. Stir until it is dissolved.
4. Place into a measuring cup
5. Pour in corn syrup until the liquid rises to a cup. 
6. Stir until long snot globs form on the end of your fork.

And there you have a non toxic snot that you won’t have to worry if any is ingested. 

I hope you enjoyed today’s gross crafty recipe.

Sirena Van Schaik

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I actually was on a hormonal roller coaster as my hormones went back to normal but there was much more than that.  I was sleeping less, and suddenly my life was not completely mine anymore.  I had to learn how to cope with not only a new role and schedule in my life but also with the care for someone else.  I wasn’t completely lost when it came to giving care.  I was after all an Early Childhood Educator and I was fresh out of college with a shiny new degree when my first son was born.  I wasn’t shocked by any of the things that was going on but I quickly realized that all the courses in the world and all the experience I had taking care of other people’s kids, really meant nothing when it came to taking care of my own. I was, like millions of other parents before me, a new parent and I was (and am) going to make my share of mistakes.

Still, as I held my children close to my chest, rocking them in their little nursery and singing songs like “Baby Beluga,” “The Unicorn,” and our all time favourite “Crazy by Patsy Cline.”  I didn’t worry about all those mistakes but simply enjoyed the quiet moments with my new babies.

Your baby during the first month:

During the first month of your baby’s life, he will spend a lot of time sleeping and eating but there will be moments when he is awake and experiencing new things.  The main focus of interest will be on mommy and daddy and it is very important for trust to begin at this age.  Cuddle your baby, talk to your baby and above all else, hold your baby when he is crying.  Although there are methods of child raising that recommend having babies cry until they sooth themselves, it should never be practiced with a child that is this young.  They simply do not have the knowledge or skills to sooth themselves and need a caring parent to sooth them.

In that first month, you will also find that your baby is crying often and it is not a planned behavior.  A newborn infant really has no other way to express his emotions.  When something is bothering them, they cry.  It can be difficult to deal with at times and if you find that you are becoming frustrated with the crying, it is time to take a break and ask for help. 

Caring for your new baby is very time consuming but i don’t really feel that it can be measured.  You care for your baby’s needs by feeding him every 2 to 4 hours and changing his diapers, between 6 to 8 diapers per day.  You give him a bath every other day to keep him clean and to avoid drying out his skin and you care for his umbilical cord until it falls off at 10 to 14 days.  You do all of these things but you also spend hours running your finger over his smooth cheeks, placing your hand on his chest to make sure that he is still taking deep, peaceful breaths and you hold him as snuggles against you. 

It is often surprising that during the first month, your baby is already learning and will meet a few developmental milestones in that time.  By the end of the first month your baby should:

• Stop crying when you comfort him.
• Nurse well, whether this is through breastfeeding or through bottle feeding
• Look at you when you are holding him
• Startle at loud noises

Make sure that while your baby is going through all these new experiences that you take the time to have a few experiences just for you.  Make sure that you do something for yourself each day and that you try to sleep whenever baby is sleeping.  Also, don’t worry about the laundry, dishes or any other chore.  They will get done sooner or later and the emphasis at this time is caring for yourself and your baby. 

Above all else, simply enjoy these quiet moments because as motherhood has taught me, the older your child gets, the further apart those quiet moments become.

Sirena Van Schaik

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The reason why I am opening with this article about JK Rowling is that many newspapers failed to mention the following statement  “Seeking to remove any stigma that might be attached to seeking counseling, Rowing now advises all those suffering from depression to “go and get help.”"(People)

This is basically the best advice that you can really give anyone that is suffering from depression, seek help, but what happens when the person who is suffering from depression is a teenager or a child.  How do they seek help and where do they get it from.

As surprising as it may seem, children as young as 6 can suffer from depression.  In fact, 1 in 10 children can have various levels of depression (Depression and Children, Canadian Mental Health Association Edmonton Region, 2005).  Depression in children can be fairly difficult to determine and many people mistake it for disorders such as ADHD. 

A child that is depressed usually exhibit the following symptoms:

• Change in appetite
• Irritability
• Fatigue
• Loss of Energy
• Loss of Interest in activities
• Change in sleep patterns

You may also notice that your child expresses a sense of hopelessness, guilt, low self esteem, worthlessness and may talk about death. 

Child depression is a stigma and many people do not want to admit to the fact that it does occur.  Like many unpleasant topics, it is easier to just brush off symptoms or to ignore the existence of problems since it is hard to fathom what any child between the ages of 6 and 12 could possibly be depressed about. 

It is very important for your child that you understand the symptoms of depression and to take the time to discuss his or her feelings with him.  It is also important to understand that how you react to depression and negative feelings will also affect how he or she reacts to their own depression.  It is an ugly word that really should be brought to light since so many children express unhappiness or even darker thoughts.

The key to a happy childhood isn’t in ignoring the fact that sadness does happen but is in fact when parents understand and take the time to show that they care about how their children feel, even when those feelings are not the happy, silver lined feelings that we like to pretend are a staple of childhood.  Remember that the very best parents are not the ones that shower presents on their kids and give them everything that they could ever want or need but they are the ones that take the time to simply stay quiet for a moment and listen. 

If you would like to learn more about childhood depression, please visit:

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry or Canadian Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry

Sirena Van Schaik

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If you are wondering where your four year old should be when it comes to language development, then please read this post.  Before you do, however; remember that all children fall in a range of normalcy and will develop their language at a different rate than other children.  Also remember that children that are a younger sibling often talk much later than their older siblings, usually the reason for this is the fact that their older sibling does the talking for them.  Another fact to be aware of is second languages.  Children who are learning two languages in the first five years, their families native tongue and their countries native tongue, may take a bit longer to develop their language skills but don’t worry, in no time they will be able to speak in not one but two languages clearly.

Where your four year old should be in language development:

• Questions, questions and questions: Your four year old should be the quiz master at this age.  He or she should be able to ask where, why, and what and will readily do so much to the frustration of parents.  My son often used the phrase, “Are we there yet?” until I was ready to install a sound proof glass partition in my van, similar to the ones found in limousines that separates the driver from the passengers.  After he realized that I was sick of that question, he adapted it and will often say, “How long until we are there?”  See the difference, it isn’t much better but now that he has learned time, I just point him to the clock, ramble off a time when I think we will be there and he gets to watch the clock without pestering me every 2 seconds.
• Telling stories: Your four year old should be able to tell stories that he or she either makes up or repeats from a favorite story book. On top of that, he or she should be able to sing songs and probably does so on a daily basis if he or she is in a daycare setting.
• Give and take conversations: Your child should be able to have a give and take conversation with you where they are stringing 4 to 6 words together to form a sentence.
• Talk to their toys: Although it may not seem like a big thing, it is important for your child to talk to him or herself, toys and imaginary friends at this age. 
• Talk about themselves: Your four year old should be able to talk about the day he or she had, and about any feelings that he or she may have.  This kind of goes into the give and take conversations and I suggest that you enjoy it now because once they get to elementary school, trying to get any information out of them about their day is like pulling teeth. 
• Give directions:  A four year old should be able to give simple directions. 

 If you are worried about your child’s language development, please speak with your pediatrician. 

There are many ways to encourage your child’s language development but it basically comes down with interactions.  Read to your child, preferrably on a daily basis, enjoy conversations with your child and also give indications that you are listening to them.  Repeat parts of their sentences and when they mispronounce a word, use it in your reply correctly.  Don’t point out that they said it wrong, simply say it the right way.

You will find that language skills will soar when you spend the time in activities that create a healthy bond between you and your child.  Just remember to not rush it and allow your child the opportunity to grow at his or her own rate.

All the best,

Sirena Van Schaik

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My kids have always been talkers.  I like to think that my actions had something to do with it but sometimes I wonder.  

When my kids were young, I enjoyed spending my day rambling to them about what we were doing.  I think if someone was passing by they would have thought I had gone crazy just by listening to me.  I would give a play by play of diaper time, “Ok, I’m just going to put you on the change table and pull off your sleeper.  Oh, I think it’s time for a new sleeper.  Now I’m going to take off your dirty diaper so you can have a nice clean one,” or bath time, “Well, I have to get the water ready first so you lay in your crib while I grab the bathtub and fill it up.  There, the water is just right.  Are you ready?”  Or even bedtime had some type of play by play up until story time and then my horrible voice belting out some song.  Strangely enough, “Crazy” by Patsy Cline was always a top hit for bedtime songs.  That and ”Baby Beluga,” “The Unicorn” and countless other ones all sung in my slightly off-key voice.  All of this started the first few days after they came home.

I think part of the reason that I talked to my kids so much wasn’t that I thought they were really listening, although studies have proven otherwise, it was just so I could hear a voice during my long day without any other adult contact.  Sure I would get out but there were stretches of time where I was sequestered to the house.  By the time both of my boys were 2, they were having full give and take conversations (probably because they needed to shut me up somehow) and everyone they met would comment, “Wow, they’re really verbal.”

Of course, this ability to express themselves did have it’s downsides with debates, arguments and they seemed to have mastered the art of sarcasm at the young age of 3, but in other ways it is wonderful since I know what they want right away. 

The whole reason behind this musing is the simple fact that just the other day I noticed how some of my speech mannerisms and sayings have been picked up by the kids.  At one point, I used “actually” in my speech, quite a bit actually, and now this seems to be the favorite word for my 3 year old son.  He can’t go a day without saying it at least 20 times and I think half of his indecision is due to the fact that he wants to say his favorite word, “Actually, I would like a drink of water…actually, no, I would actually like a drink of milk…actually, I think I actually want water.”  (I didn’t exaggerate, this is actually how he talks sometimes.)

My oldest son picked up the word “Sweeeeeet” from school or somewhere and quickly everything that he liked was “Oh, sweeeeet!”  My youngest also picked up this awesome word and whenever I am in a toy store, I am followed around the aisles by two children shouting, “Oh, sweeeeet!”

There are also a few sayings that I picked up from my mom and I found after answering hundreds of questions that started with “What,” “Why,” and “Where,” I began using them.  When I asked “What’s for dinner,” when I was a kid, my mom would say “Fried Farts and Onions.”  I learned to stop asking the question and occasionally I will say it to my kids.  Usually I will say it when it is something they like and I don’t (cue chicken nuggets please) and they will say, “Awesome…we’re having…”  I don’t use it too often but my own son has used it back on me when I asked him what he would like for a snack…the answer that I received, “Fried Farts and Onions.”

Lastly, when I am going somewhere (usually the store) with the kids and they ask “Where” I will reply, ”Crazy, wanna come?”

This gets huge groans from my oldest since he prefers to get a straight answer but my youngest just rolls with it.  It wasn’t until yesterday when I was getting ready to go for a walk that I realized exactly what my youngest son thinks “crazy” is.  Right after I said, “Crazy, wanna come,” he asked, “Oh, which crazy is it?  The one with toys (Toys R Us) or Walmart?”

So “crazy” to my son means shopping and after having been to both of those stores, I don’t think he is wrong.

 What sayings have your kids picked up?  What sayings do you use that you picked up from your parents?

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A few days ago, I was out running errands when I came across a scene that was almost alarming.  The river that runs through my town in a lazy swirl was currently a raging torrent of white water.  It had flooded its banks in places, was a mere foot from the bottom of several bridges and it had flooded a few roads.  All the water reminded me that I needed to reiterate some guidelines with my children about rivers and streams, especially during the spring months.

 *Even the most serene rivers can pose a potential water hazard, especially in the spring.*

This winter has seen a lot of snowfall in my province but even without a lot of perspiration in your area, the dangers of rivers greatly increase in the spring due to run off.  Not only are rivers at high risk but so are streams, lakes, ditches and sewage canals.  Although there should always be vigilance with children and water, spring is a time when parents should reassess how they approach that vigilance and to alert their children of those dangers.

Knowledge is the best way to protect your children and although you should not traumatize your child with tales of water horrors, neither should you candy coat the dangers.  Below are a few tips for  reminding your children about the dangers of rivers, ditches and lakes.

• Don’t discuss safe water practices without having some reference to point to unless the topic comes up in everyday dialogue.  If you are out for a walk or are running errands with your child and you happen to pass a body of water then it is a good time to mention the height of the water and that it is not safe to venture near that river.  This gives your child a frame of reference and you can use it when you get home to further discuss the dangers of water. 
• Keep the dialogue age appropriate.  Don’t go into a long explanation about under currents, run off, and water heights unless they are old enough to grasp the concepts.
• Explain how the river is dangerous for everyone, including grown ups.  My children know that if something is dangerous for adults too, then it is serious.
• Teach your children how to stay clear of rivers by informing them that the flooded banks and bridges are just as dangerous as the rivers themselves.
• Remind your children that water hazards exist even in small streams and ditches since they can become flooded as well in the spring.  Also explain how the dranage pipes can create a current that will pull a child or an adult into them. 
• Know where your child is going if you live near a river.  When they go out to a friends or on their own, remind them about the rules over the river and other water hazards.

Spring runoffs can create a potential disaster for any unsuspecting person, whether they are adults or children.  Giving your child the knowledge and the guidelines to follow will only give them the knowledge that they need to be safe. 

Sirena Van Schaik

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But back to our topic on teaching morals and family values.  If you remember, I started this topic with my post here and I also talked about things a parent can do, here.  Now let’s talk about what you can do with your child.

• Try not to focus on material gain or feeding egocentricity.  I was guilty of this when my oldest started JK and it was really the result of my own fears that he might be picked on or bullied.  At the beginning of his first year, I was constantly told how empathetic my son was and how he would often take children who were having a hard time adjusting under his wing.  I heard wonderful comments like, “If it wasn’t for Jake (my son), the first few month’s of Timmy’s school year would have been horrible.” (I have changed the names of both children for privacy reasons.)  After a while, I forgot about reaffirming his compassionate nature and began worrying about how popular he was. If a child in his class had the latest and greatest toy, I would run out and make sure that my son had the same toy.  When he came home from school, I often centralized my questions about his day around extrinsic influences and things that he got and I began to focus less on the values I had already set in place. Fast forward a year and I had a child that primarily cared about feeding his own needs without thinking of others.  I had to do some major damage control and change the way that I approached things.  I can’t really blame him for much of the problems since I was illustrating to him that it was more important to have than to give but after some rough patches, we have begun to see some of his natural compassion again.  The thing to remember in this is that children are egocentric creatures and for a period of time, and that is perfectly okay, but parents need to explain and illustrate times when that egocentricity is not okay.  So the lesson on this is “Don’t focus on what your child doesn’t have, but focus on the less concrete items, such as the love and friendships that he or she does have. 
• Donate items from your home to Goodwill or another cause.  I don’t have garage sales and this is partly to do with the fact that I’m just not a big fan but the main reason why I don’t have garage sales is that the money that I can make from a garage sale can be better used by places like Goodwill or the Salvation army.  When you donate to these places, it is best to have your child take one or two toys (or more if they are drowning in toys) and place them into a bin to take down to the drop box.  Make sure you give some of your items away so your child doesn’t feel this is a one sided deal that they are the only ones that has to suffer through the giving.  Things like old furniture, shoes, and clothing are great choices and I’m sure you have lots of all three that you don’t use anymore.  I like to go through the items in January right after they have received a whole bunch of new toys over the holidays.  This way, they are more likely to give up an older unused toy since they have to make room anyways.  Other times that I do this are in the spring and fall and usually coincide with my big spring and fall clean up to remove clutter.
• Volunteer with your child.  When I was a Cub Scout leader, another leader in my group also volunteered their time at the local soup kitchen on a weekly basis.  Although her 13 year old son wasn’t involved every week with her, he did come down once a month where he would help serve the food.  For them, volunteering served many purposes but the main thread of reasoning was that he learned through example that giving one’s time for those less fortunate is a great thing to do and he also became aware of people that needed help and how he could affect them for the better.
• Sponsor a child or a cause.  This is something that I do personally with my family and my oldest son takes the time to send letters to the child in Kenya that we sponsor.  It doesn’t seem like much but it has opened up a lot of awareness in my children on how there are those that are much less fortunate than we are.  Being able to converse through letters brings the message home and it has had a lot more affect than simply dropping items off at a drop box.  There is a face that goes along with the giving and a voice that can be heard through the letters.  Take the time and talk to your child about what they want to sponsor.  This is a great way to teach morals, family values and also provides opportunity to learn about the world together.  My oldest wanted to learn everything about all the countries that needed help before we decided as a family on Kenya.  So change not only one life but your families as well by sponsoring a child or a cause. 
• Give a gift at Christmas.  Even if you don’t celebrate Christmas, there is nothing wrong with giving a gift to a toy drive during the season.  If you do celebrate, I would encourage not only giving a gift of your own but also having your child go out and purchase a gift to give (with their own allowance).  My oldest son chaffed at this the first year but my youngest only grumbles about how he doesn’t have enough money to buy more.  Have your child drop it off at the toy drive so he or she can be part of the whole process.
• Have open dialogue.  Nothing helps build values better than having an open dialogue with your child.  Answer their questions, share your own views on morals and values and let there be give and take conversations.  All the steps above offer ample opportunities for open dialogues.
• Finally, don’t stress if your child doesn’t always follow the morals and values that you have so diligently worked on instilling.  It takes time and everyone makes mistakes, I know I do, so don’t expect your child to grasp all the values perfectly and don’t beat yourself up when they do.

If you have anymore tips on instilling family values, please feel free to comment.

Sirena

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I guess I should say that I was actually ranting but you’ll forgive me my flaws.  I am after all human and as both a human and a parent I am allowed my foibles.  Actually, parents are allowed to have many flaws and teaching children that we are as flawed as the next person is a great way to build family values.  The whole, “If I’m not perfect, then you don’t have to be either.”

On the topic of those little eyes that are watching every mistake we make, parents should be aware of what their children are picking up.  I could spout Piaget or Erikson but there are enough articles stating the psychological ramifications of parents’ actions.  We know that children learn through observation.  They watch, listen and touch to figure out the world around them and their place in it and they learn through the actions of their parents, regardless of what is said. 

The old adage, “Do what I say and not as I do,” was never good advice and it still isn’t.  So let’s look at some things you can do.

• Pull out the old lessons about manners and use them.  You remember those things your mother (or father) used to bark at you like a deranged drill sergeant. “Chew with your mouth closed,” “Elbows off the table,” “Show respect for your elders.”  I’m sure that you bark those same lessons about everyday manners to your own children but without using them yourself, you success at teaching your children will be pretty low.
• Show compassion for others.  This can be done a number of ways and can really start at home with how you interact with your family and the respect and caring you give your spouse and your children. It can also start with simple things like helping out a friend in need or smiling at a stranger in the grocery store.  You could also give change to someone needing it or opening a door for someone.  Anything that shows that you are thinking about the needs of others and that you care enough to commit small acts of kindness.  One note, however; is that you need to explain to your child that talking to strangers is dangerous and he or she should never talk to a stranger without your express permission or without you standing there.
• Donate.  Whether it’s your time or your money, donating will provide opportunities for you to demonstrate selflessness.  This is an excellent way to build empathy and to bond with your child when you include him or her, but more on that tomorrow.
• Key down the road rage…or any rage for that matter.  I know that it can be hard, especially when you spend 20 minutes with some guy tailgaiting you only to have him pass and then cut you off.  Giving into road rage sets an example for your children that it is okay to react with rage.  If I had reacted to the woman with the shopping cart, see What are we teaching our kids?, by throwing my arms up and yelling, “You idiot! Why the heck don’t you watch where you are going?”  I would have taught my children that you can be abusive and disrespectful to others.  If there is no respect for others then you can’t expect empathy or compassion.

These are only a few tips and I will have more on what you can do with your child to build family values but until then; what tips do you have?

Sirena

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