Today, I had an appointment with my OB/GYN and I had to make a hard decision before I went to see her.  The appointment was for a brief check in to see how things are progressing with trying to get pregnant.  It has been 10 months and there hasn’t been any pregnancy.  Her original goal was to have me on fertility drugs after 6 months but I held out until this appointment to even address it.

So what was my big decision 10 months into this current journey in my life?  Well, it was definitely not one that my OB expected, especially when I asked for a prescription for birth control.  She was visibly disappointed and I almost reversed my decision by the end of the appointment.  “Well, you know Doc, if you say I should get pregnant now, who am I to know any better?  You are after all the doctor so please give me that fertility drug prescription please?”

The reason for my change of heart has nothing to do with the time it has taken or about not wanting a third but is in fact geared towards more realistic circumstances.  My husband is a sculptor and although he has had a secure position for several years, we are not sure what will be happening at the end of this year.  He may not have an employer and this was the main reason behind not trying for a third.

For some reason, my doctor didn’t seem to understand this as I shuffled from foot to foot in the waiting room and reiterated for the third time my reason for putting baby number 3 on hold for at least 6 months.  I have never experienced so much guilt over doing the responsible thing.

It made me wonder, probably not for the last time, if this is it.  Is this the decision that will seal my fate and I will forever be the mother of two?  Not a horrible fate by any stretch but maybe one spark of life was lost as I filled my prescription.  Maybe, just maybe, my chance to become a mother was in that eleventh month. Did I somehow lose the right time to conceive?

Of course, this is all a simple melancholy and I should find my laid back feelings about this.  I know deep down it was the right choice but for the next few days, I’m sure I will reassess it.

I’m sure, though, that you have read enough of my little struggle but I was wondering, when was the right time for you?  Was it a surprise?  A detailed plan? Or did all the pieces just click at once?

I would love to hear your stories.

Sirena Van Schaik

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If you haven’t heard about Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, it is basically when a woman’s ovaries create many small cysts instead of actually ovulating.  This leads to missed periods, problems with hormones, acne, hair growth, increased blood sugar, weight gain and infertility.  Roughly 1 in ten women have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and it is one of the leading causes of infertility in women.

When I was diagnosed, the doctors were able to determine that at the time of my ultrasound, I had about 12 cysts on both ovaries.  My chances for having a third child slimmed significantly and I felt overwhelmed by the sudden fact that I may not have any more children.  I wasn’t even sure at that time if I really wanted a third but it felt as though the decision was taken right out of my hands and I was left wondering what to do now.

My ob/gyn strongly recommended trying for a third since I was leaning towards trying in a year and so I began trying for baby number three.  Now 7 months later, I am still trying and it hasn’t been as easy to get pregnant as the last two times.  

On top of the stress over not conceiving, I am constantly worrying about the long term health risks that are associated with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS.  These health risks can be heart disease, diabetes, increased chance of miscarrying, sleep apnea and uterine cancer.  All of them terrify me but in many ways, none of them terrify me more than not having a third baby.  I know that I’m blessed with the two children that I have but I would still like one more. 

Since I am trying to conceive, I thought I would share a few points that my ob/gyn shared with me. 

Obviously the first one is to have intercourse.  there is some debate about this but most people feel that starting every other day for 5 days before you ovulate and continuing until 5 days after you ovulate is the best way to conceive. 

Since you need to know when you ovulate, you should purchase a ovulation kit and begin taking your temperature every morning.  Keep the same routine since checking your temperature at different times can throw off your readings. 

Talk to your ob/gyn about treating your infertility with hormones or clomid.  My doctor has expressed the desire to start on hormone treatments at my next appointment but I am kind of nervous about this since I know Murphy’s Law is never really kind to me and with my luck I will have 6 babies plus the two boys that I already have.  I don’t think I could ever be ready for that. 

Lastly, stay healthy and try to maintain a good diet, lots of activity and take those prenatal vitamins.

More importantly than anything else, just stay positive. 

If you would like to share your stories about conceiving, please email me at sirena_vanschaik@yahoo.caor post a comment.  For more information on Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome vist Women’s Health Matters.

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The Third Degree of Motherhood!

Is this third pregnancy a meticulously-planned, Billings and NFP-assisted, conception? Is it an oops, we did it again glitch? Is it an Elastoplasts Baby? Do you believe it will be “third time lucky” for a baby of a different gender from the two you already have? Or is it your final fling before the sands of your biological clock run out?

You will always meet fountains of unsolicited advice who will “warn” you that you have signed the death warrant of your marriage through this third pregnancy. Other Jeremiahs will tell you that “it was in the papers” that having three children indicates that you are not environmentally-conscious, and that the Manchester Optimum Population Trust insists that stopping at two is the only sensible thing to do.

The transition from being a family of four, to a family of five, leaves many families flabbergasted – in fact, statistics show that sometimes, the upheaval is great enough to cause serious marital problems…. unless you have an iota of common sense.

But who are we to judge – or be judged? As the mother of three wonderful children, I have fond myself at the receiving end of several of the afore-mentioned comments, some of which border on the ridiculous.

For instance, a friend of mine who has two girls, at the time I had my boys, used to tell me that she “bet” I wanted a girl. And, of course, when I had a girl, she asked me “what I was thinking”, since two is the ideal number of children to have.

I do not imagine myself to have been in any way irresponsible or greedy, to have had three children. These decisions are between oneself and one’s partner, and not for anyone else to take in our stead.

Before this blog turns into some kind of righteous diatribe (or is it too late?), I’d like to present the points that came up in a straw poll I took amongst my friends (whose names have been changed to protect both the innocent and the guilty!), all of whom have 3 children.

Lisa: Don’t ever let people assume that you have enough clothes for the baby because you have had another pair before her. This would result in their giving you expensive toys that would not get used. If you do have clothes – and in any case a baby would only need a few baby-grows and all-in-ones at the beginning – tell them to give you toiletries, since you could all use these.

Marcia: I have three children, it is true, but that’s because of circumstances with my health, rather than any conscious decision to be less of a burden upon the earth. I would have loved to have a whole brood, but it was not to be. However, that having been said, I would like to say that I used cloth nappies, each time.

Sylvana: I found the transition between two to three children far easier than it had been from having one to two. The drawback was that people were less ready to offer help and baby-sitting stints because they assumed I did not need it, since the oldest child (just ten at the time, poor kid!) was “old enough” to help out. I had to ask, specifically, when I needed shopping done because the little one was sick.

Jennifer: Three children, in my opinion, is the ideal number to have – although you may find that at any given moment, two are pairing off against the other, and it’s not necessarily always the same pair. There is less chance that the house will be ‘empty’ – or “clean”. My kids each have a different set of friends, with all of them going to and fro between one another’s homes, since we live only a bicycle ride away from one another. I don’t mind – mostly!

Pauline: When we walked into the supermarket with the kids in tow, people used to gape, as if we were aliens or something. Once, a cashier actually asked me whether they were “all” mine or whether I had remarried. Go figure. Where I live, I am ironically in a minority; it seems that only foreigners have three or more kids.

Theresa: Listen up: when I had the twins a year after having my daughter, people kept passing comments about how much in a hurry I was to overpopulate the earth, and how the year after, I would probably produce triplets. I used to get angry at first, but then I developed this nauseating habit of smirking and saying “I hope so!” and that left them dumbfounded.

Cynthia: Having three children has opened up new possibilities for all of them – they each get to join in the activities of the other two if they want to. My husband and I have always worked to support them – we have never relied on hand-outs. Some people chose to have no children – and this is like the story of the man, his son, and the donkey – you cannot please all the people all the time.

Marisa: People tell me I have been unjust with the kids, because there is less money for treats. But I wouldn’t be without my kids for all the tea in China. So what if the kids have to learn how to load the dishwasher and sew on their own buttons at an early age? So what if they have to make the choice between one pair of designer jeans or three pairs of ordinary ones? So what if we don’t have enough spare cash for a cruise come summer? It’s a “family affair”!

Having three children has inevitably given me more sleepless nights, more laundry, more dirty dishes, and more expenses than I would have had with two. But it has also given me more happiness, more love, and more satisfaction.

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